Do you know what the answer most often is? Walking.

It’s true: my clients who remain healthy and active (and at home) the longest are those who have a regular, daily habit of walking. Some of them walk around the block a few times a day, others are walking 3 miles a day.

I bet in addition to the good workout they are getting, they are also benefiting from the social aspects of walking with friends or seeing neighbors, and the fresh air and sunshine that our bodies need.

(Other tips my clients have given me: practicing forgiveness, being kind to other people and having a small glass of wine a few times a week during a good card game.)

1. Plan respite care and support before you need it. Don’t set yourself and your parent up for failure by trying to take on too much at once. Make sure to plan breaks for yourself (and your parent) by providing for other caregivers, and seek out caregiver support groups. Be sure to keep up with healthy eating and exercise so you can stay healthy.

2. Set rules and assign tasks. Make sure your parents know your “house rules” about smoking, noise levels and include them in the chore divisions, too.  If you have children living at home, make sure to review the rules with them, too.

3. Protect everyone’s privacy. Make sure your parent has a door they can shut and latch. Remember to knock before entering a room.  Provide a place for them to speak on the telephone privately.

4. Have regular check-in meetings. Consider having a monthly family meeting to review how things are working and talk about any issues that have come up.

5. Allow time for adjustment. Give every one time to get used to the plan. Don’t make any drastic decisions for the first couple of weeks, but do talk about issues that are coming up in the early date.

6. Know when to institute “Plan B.” Have a back-up plan for if things don’t work out. Maybe have your parent keep their apartment or their house, or have visited some other living arrangements so that if things don’t work out you have a Plan B in place.

The tips in this post were inspired by the book “How To Care For Aging Parents” by Virginia Morris.

1. Do you get along? If you can’t even get through an afternoon visit without tension and disagreements, chances are that living together will not make things easier. If you live with spouse, partner or children, you need to think about whether they all get along with your parent as well.

2. Do you have the space? Is there room for your parent to move in with some of their belongings while not displacing any family members and allowing your parent to have privacy? No one should end up sleeping in the living room.

3. Is your house safe and accessible? Make sure your parent will have, and continue to have as their needs change, access to full bathroom facilities, the ability to get outside and the ability to get to the common areas where family members spend time together. Consider having a contractor review to house and make any needed adjustments like adding grab bars or removing thresholds to make using a walker or wheelchair easier.

4. Are there other family or friends nearby? Consider whether there are other family members who can (and will) come and visit. Will your parent be leaving all of their friends, or can they still get together with the people who are important to them?

5. What community resources are available? Are there activities for your parent to engage in nearby such as a senior center, art classes, yoga, or other things they enjoy? Can they drive there? Is there other transportation available?

6. Does he or she want to move in with you? Even if all other factors point to yes, if you parent would rather live independently with support services or move into an assisted living residence, respect their wishes. Do not try to force anything.

This tips in this post were inspired by “How To Care for Aging Parents” by Virginia Morris.

These tips come from Beverly Moore’s book, Matters of the Mind and Heart.

1. Provide visual cues for tasks. Put a spoon in her hand and say “stir the batter”, rather than just saying “stir the batter” and expecting her to go find a spoon and know what to do with it. This helps the person stay involved in cooking projects.

2. Mirror the visual cue. Act out the task you want them to take part in before expecting them to do it on their own. If you are making cookies, use the cookie cutter a few times before handing it over to them.

3. Remove distractions. Don’t have the TV or radio on while you are cooking or eating, as this can be distracting and confusing. Avoid chatty talking if she’s concentrating on an activity.

4. Do the activity with them. A person with dementia cannot do a task on their own for an extended period of time without guidance.

5. Create a pleasant experience. People with dementia will remember how they felt, even if they can’t remember what they did. By creating a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere, they will know it feels good to be around you and that they enjoyed themselves, even if they can’t recall specific events.

I remember when I was little trying to figure out a gift for my nana at Christmas. My mother used to to tell me that my grandmother didn’t want more stuff, but rather something from our heart.  A picture, a sleepover (where she let me cheat at go-fish and eat chocolate chips) or some help around the yard.

Now that my mother is a nana and my siblings and I are getting older we concentrate on not giving more “stuff” at Christmas.  We give gifts from the heart that don’t need dusting and won’t go out with the next batch of de-cluttering.

Here are some of the things we like to exchange with each other (the small children still get lots of sparkly, noisy fun stuff):

• Tasty local food items, like Nella Pasta,
• Knitted or sewn hats, scarves or reusable bags for groceries,
• Five Wishes Living Wills, yes, I actually put these in people’s stockings one year…
• Wine, or a favorite liquor,
• Gift certificates so people can pick out things they’ve been wishing for,
• Moleskine notebooks, everyone needs one of these, don’t they?
• Pre-made meals. One year I made little frozen pizzas for everyone. They were a big hit. Stacey Mafera of Errands, Etc. makes and delivers meals locally.
• A gift certificate for an errand service, like Errands, Etc. or Admins and Errands.
• A donation to a charity about a cause they believe in, or to support a part of the world they love to travel to.
• Cleaning out their car, gutters or basement. (Get their permission first! Not everyone can so easily part with their things.)

What can you give this holiday season that is from the heart, doesn’t collect dust and will be treasured all year long?

Photo source: author’s personal photo.

(Note: I repost this list every year, and every year I find something to add to it. Share your ideas below.)

The process in my office usually looks like this:

1. Call the office to make the appointment for an initial visit.  At that time, we’ll get a little information from you and then send you out a Client Information Form that will help you put together some information.  It’s not a test, so if you don’t get the whole thing filled out don’t worry.

How to avoid a hold up at this step: Don’t put off calling just because you haven’t made decisions about your plan.

2. The initial meeting. This is where we talk about your family, your goals, your current plan, and yes, your budget, so that we can come up with the best plan for you and your family.  We’ll go over things like what assets you own, how they are held,  who you want to inherit them. We’ll also talk about the people you want making health care decisions for you and who you want to name as guardian of your minor children.

It’s ok if you haven’t finalized these things before the meeting. Talking about the various roles and what’s involved can help you narrow down your list.

How to avoid a hold up at this step:  Don’t postpone the meeting because you haven’t filled out the entire intake form.  Do talk to your spouse or family so that you can make some preliminary decisions before the meeting.

3. You Decide. After the initial meeting, I generally send out a letter that lays out what we talked about, the preliminary plan, and any decisions that still need to be made.  I also let you know what the final fee is (which we would have talked about at the meeting, also.)  At this point, you can make changes to the plan and send in the signed agreement, along with part of the fee.

How to avoid a hold up at this step: Call the office if you have questions about the letter, and send it back in a timely fashion.

4. Review of Drafts. I will generally send out drafts to my clients so they can make sure the appropriate people are named as their agents, and that the distributions in their Wills and Trusts are the way the want them.  Changes can be made at this point if necessary.

How to avoid a hold up at this step: Open the envelope and review the drafts. Call the office if you have questions and don’t get bogged down by the “legalese.” I go over the documents in details before you sign them.

5.  The Signing Meeting. At the signing meeting, you’ll review the documents one more time, I’ll go over in detail the legal terminology and answer any questions you have.  Once everything has been reviewed, I call in the witnesses.  They are there to make sure that you are signing without any undue influence, and that you are over 18 and of sound mind.  They will watch you sign the documents, and then they sign the documents.

Then, I give you your original documents and a set of copies and I keep a set of copies. The remainder of the fee is payable at that point.

The whole process from start to finish can be a couple of days (for someone with an urgent health situation who can’t wait), a couple of weeks (for someone who is traveling soon and has no plan in place) or a couple of months (for someone with more complex decisions to make, or advisors to consult.)  Usually, it’s about 4 – 8 weeks total, after the first appointment.

As you can see, the process isn’t that scary, and there’s a lot about it that you control, including picking up the phone and making the first phone call.

I assure them that they and their families are not the only ones going through this, and then we dive in an try to tackle the issue or get them to the resources they need.

If you are the child of an aging parent going through any of these situations or feelings, you can know that you are not alone:

• You are the only sibling bearing the burden of caring for aging parents while the other siblings do little or nothing (except maybe call and criticize your decisions),
• You are the far-away sibling who feels left out of the care-taking of an aging parent and have concerns about the care-giving sibling,
• You are upset because your parents didn’t name you first in their health care proxy, durable power of attorney or other documents,
• You are upset because your parents named you first on all their estate documents,
• You are upset because your parents gave one of your siblings money throughout their life and didn’t “even it out” in the Will,
• You are upset because your parents helped you financially throughout their life and then “evened it out” in the Will,
• You think that your parents’ house should be neater, bigger, smaller, closer to you, farther away from you, or other than is,
• You feel like you are having the same issues with your siblings you were having when you were 5 years old.

Likewise if you are the aging parent of grown children you maybe see some of your situation here:

• You feel like your children are trying to move you here or there in order to make their life easier,
• Your children appear at your door to “clean” your house and throw away your things without asking your permission,
• Your children seem to have forgotten that you are a capable adult, and still the parent,
• Your children aren’t getting along and it’s breaking your heart,
• You don’t trust your children enough to appoint them in your documents to help you,
• You helped one child financially through out their life and want to “even it out” in the Will but are worried you’ll hurt them,
• You helped one child financially through out their life and don’t want to “even it out” in the Will, but are afraid your other children will be angry,
• You feeling guilty trying to decide which child to name first as your health care proxy, executor or agent in your power of attorney,
• You feel like you are having the same issues with your children you had when they were 5 years old.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly hard time with things, I think “people had these same feelings and emotions and situations 300 years ago, and somehow humanity has survived.”  Whatever it is you feel as your or your parents age, know that you are not alone.

There are a few issues that impact the elderly more than your average driver. For example, there is now a “lifetime look-back” for drunk driving penalties.  This means that if your first offense was in 1948 and you receive another in 2011, it’s technically a second offense.  Or if you had an offense in the 50’s, one in the 60’s and one in the 80’s, if you get arrested now it’s your fourth offense.

This particularly applies to those who refuse to take the Breath Test, as there is also a “lifetime look-back” for that as well. If you are on your second offense (even 40 years later) and you refuse to take the Breath Test, you automatically lose your license for three years. If you have 3 previous convictions, you lose your license for life.

Another issue is that if you are taking medication, and the police and/or Assistant District Attorney can prove that it may impact your sobriety when mixed with alcohol, they can prosecute you even if you are below the legal limit for alcohol.  They can also use it at trial to argue that you were even more impaired because you take medication.

The third thing that often applies to older driver is the new “immediate threat revocation”. This means that if a police officer thinks you are driving dangerously (even if you aren’t intoxicated) they can file a report with the RMV to have your license revoked for an unlimited period of time.

Other Consequences

Many times with an elderly couple, only one of the spouses drives.  This may be due to health issues, eyesight, comfort with driving, early dementia or medication use.  If the driving spouse is arrested for an OUI, suddenly the family has no way to get to doctor’s appointments, friend’s houses, the grocery store, or their usual activities.  This can cause a downward spiral of loneliness, isolation and poor health due to missing doctor’s appointments or not being able to pick up medication.  While there maybe be alternative transportation available, it may not always be on your schedule.

Still Want to Drink?

If you drink alcohol, tell your doctor how much you drink. If your medications interact poorly with alcohol, ask your doctor if there are alternatives.

Do not drive if you’ve been drinking alcohol. Pick a designated driver (a person who doesn’t drink) and buy their dinner. Take turns being the designated driver.  Hire a taxi to take you to and from the restaurant.  Hire your teenage grandchildren to take you to and from the restaurant. Make whatever arrangements you need to make so that you aren’t driving home after a few drinks.

Make sure you have a health care proxy, power of attorney and living will in place. If you end up in an accident and in the hospital or jail, you’ll need someone who can make health care decisions for you and manage your finances until you are back home and well.

Thank you to my colleague Jessica Foley, who represents people who have been arrested and accused of crimes, for some of the information in this post.  You can find her at www.jessicafoleylaw.com.

Often, clients put off calling an attorney to help them with their legal issues.  These are some of the common things I hear form folks, and some ways to maybe get you past them.

1. You don’t know what to say when you call the lawyer. It’s a bit like calling a plumber. “My sink won’t drain.” Then the plumber asks you some questions and probably makes an appointment to help you fix it.  When you call the lawyer you can say “I think I need a Will” then the lawyer will ask you some questions and guide the process from there.

If you don’t even know what you need, then it can be like when I call tech support. “My computer is being all weird. Help!”  Then the tech asks some questions and helps figure out what is wrong and how they can fix it.  Likewise, you can call the attorney and say “my mom was just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I have no idea what to do next.”  The attorney, or their client services person, will ask you some questions and help figure out the best thing to do next.

And just like when I call tech support, it’s ok if you cry when you call an attorney.

2. You are afraid you can’t afford it. That’s a legitimate concern. Legal services can be expensive. Some types of cases like divorces or other litigation cases can cost tens of thousands of dollars. But, other things, like putting a guardianship nomination in place for your children or drafting a Will can be a much more manageable expense.

An attorney may be able to give you a range of fees, and what those fees are based on. I try to do that on the “Fees” page of this site.  But, you won’t know if you don’t ask.  The attorney will probably need to meet with you and go over your situation in detail before they can give you a better idea of the cost. Sometimes there may be different courses of action that will affect the cost, so you should ask about options.

3. You haven’t made all of your decisions yet. This is perfectly ok. Part of the first meeting with an attorney is going over different choices and decisions and helping you through those.  Sometimes even if you have made decisions, you find out after talking to your attorney that a different decision would be a better one. So, just as it’s ok to walk into the hairdresser knowing you want something different but knowing quite what, it’s ok to meet with your attorney while you are still trying to decide which sibling to name as guardian or how to distribute property to different charities.

4.  You haven’t made any decisions yet. This is ok, too. I often meet with people who don’t know enough about what the responsibilities of a guardian, or a trustee, or an executor are to be able to figure out who they want to appoint in those roles.  Or you and your spouse can’t agree on things. Part of a consultation with an attorney is helping you walk through choices, explaining legal terms in ways you can understand and making sure you are comfortable with your choices before more forward.

5. You think there is no point to planning. I hear this frequently from young people who don’t own a lot of property or don’t have children. They think the only part of “planning your estate” is saying what will happen to your stuff after you die, and they have no stuff so there’s no need to plan. That may be true (and actually the Commonwealth has a law that says what happens to your stuff if you die without a will) but sometimes young people are in accidents that make them unable to make health care decisions for themselves or handle their finances. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to have a plan in place to say who would make health care decisions for you and make sure your mortgage or rent payments (and student loan and credit card bills) were paid on time until you recovered?

6. You are afraid of what will happen if you take the first step. Sometimes clients come to see me and have put it off because they were afraid that meeting with me would put into a place a spiral of events that they couldn’t stop. This actually isn’t the case.  If we meet, and I give you legal advice on your situation and maybe offer some advice and different options, you can decide not to proceed at this time. You can decide that just knowing what will happen if your spouse needs nursing home care is enough for you to handle at this point, and if you aren’t ready to start making changes. That’s ok.  You are now making this decision with knowledge, rather than out of fear or ignorance.  The same goes for other types of legal matters – you can meet with a divorce attorney to find out your options, and then decide that you don’t want to start the process after all.  Or you may meet with an attorney about suing someone and decide afterward that you really don’t want to.  And it’s ok to say “I’m not ready to proceed with this now.”

Are there other things that are holding you back? Have you heard other examples from clients about what made them hesitate to call you?

1.         Talk to your attorney about the issues.  If you’re having difficulty getting phone calls returned from your attorney or are starting to have other problems with the representation, talk to your attorney about it first.  You can either write them a letter with your issues or schedule a meeting or a telephone call with them to go over the problems that you’re having.  If you’re still having issues after you talk to them about it, it may be time to find a new attorney.

2.         Review the agreement that you signed with your attorney in the beginning of the representation.  Depending on the type of work they’re doing for you, you may be entitled to a refund of fees that you have paid towards a retainer.  You may owe them money for work that they have done up to this point that you haven’t paid them for yet.  In certain circumstances, such as a contingency fee agreement where there will be a settlement coming after an accident, you may owe them money at the termination of your legal case even if they are still not representing you.

3.         Always send the request to terminate the relationship in writing.  You do not need to go into great detail but you should let them know clearly that you would like to terminate the relationship and that you would like a copy of your file and any original documents they may be holding for you. .

4.         Get the file back from your former attorney.  There may be a delay in this if your attorney has filed an appearance in court for something such as a divorce or a probate matter as they will need to get the court’s permission before they can relieved as your attorney.  In general, if you have requested in writing that they terminate the relationship, there should not be an undue delay in the judge granting the request.

5.         If you are terminating the relationship but still wish to pursue your legal issue, be honest with your next attorney about what didn’t work.  Attorneys are often very hesitant to work with a client who is on their second or third attorney.  If it was a difference in communication, that the former attorney’s workload was too high for them to give you the attention that they needed or if you simply had a difference in strategy with your attorney, talk to your new attorney about that.

Clients will sometimes appoint their attorney as their executor, agent under a power of attorney as their health care proxy. If you are ending your relationship with your attorney, be sure to have these documents redone to appointment new agents, and let your former attorney know that you have drafted new documents naming other people.