I remember when I was little trying to figure out a gift for my nana at Christmas. My mother used to to tell me that my grandmother didn’t want more stuff, but rather something from our heart.  A picture, a sleepover (where she let me cheat at go-fish and eat chocolate chips) or some help around the yard.

Now that my mother is a nana and my siblings and I are getting older we concentrate on not giving more “stuff” at Christmas.  We give gifts from the heart that don’t need dusting and won’t go out with the next batch of de-cluttering.

Here are some of the things we like to exchange with each other (the small children still get lots of sparkly, noisy fun stuff):

• Tasty local food items, like Nella Pasta,
• Knitted or sewn hats, scarves or reusable bags for groceries,
• Five Wishes Living Wills, yes, I actually put these in people’s stockings one year…
• Wine, or a favorite liquor,
• Gift certificates so people can pick out things they’ve been wishing for,
• Moleskine notebooks, everyone needs one of these, don’t they?
• Pre-made meals. One year I made little frozen pizzas for everyone. They were a big hit. Stacey Mafera of Errands, Etc. makes and delivers meals locally.
• A gift certificate for an errand service, like Errands, Etc. or Admins and Errands.
• A donation to a charity about a cause they believe in, or to support a part of the world they love to travel to.
• Cleaning out their car, gutters or basement. (Get their permission first! Not everyone can so easily part with their things.)

What can you give this holiday season that is from the heart, doesn’t collect dust and will be treasured all year long?

Photo source: author’s personal photo.

(Note: I repost this list every year, and every year I find something to add to it. Share your ideas below.)

The myths in the article are:

1. That there is a perfect match for your children, you just have to figure out who that is and then you’ll get the Will in order . The truth is, there is no one more perfect for your children than you. Trying to find your clone will not work. Think about your friends and family, and your children and try to envision where they would be most comfortable and safe and happy. Remember, you can always change your change your choice as your children grown and change.

2. Someone will just step up, you don’t need to pick someone. The danger here is that you are leaving the choice in the hands of a judge who has never met your children, and you aren’t around to say “no, wait, that’s not who I would have wanted!”  Be the parent that your children need you to be, and make a choice. Then take the steps needed to put that choice in legal documents so that you are choosing for your children, and not leaving it up to chance.

3. You’ve written a letter or an email with your wishes, and think that’s enough. Do you think that the file hidden in your computer is sufficient? Or that the letter on pretty stationary in your desk will be honored by the police if they came to your house following an accident with you and your spouse? While it is good that you have thought this through and made a decision, Massachusetts has a legally binding guardianship proxy form, it’s easy to fill out and makes your wishes clear. Take the next step and make it legal.

4. You don’t have to ask the guardians, since they will probably never need to serve and you don’t want to have that conversation. The danger here is that you won’t be around when they need to serve, so you should talk to them now about your wishes (in addition to writing them down.) Make sure they want that role, and assure them that you’ve appointed alternates to serve if they can’t, and let them know that they should alert you if they don’t feel they are able to serve in the future (due to a divorce, addictions, moving out of the area, etc.).  Also let them know that you have provided financially for your children so that they do not think they will need to do so. In addition, if your child has special needs make sure they feel comfortable taking on the additional responsibilities.

Want to download a free worksheet to help you select guardians? Click here.

Read the original article here.

The process in my office usually looks like this:

1. Call the office to make the appointment for an initial visit.  At that time, we’ll get a little information from you and then send you out a Client Information Form that will help you put together some information.  It’s not a test, so if you don’t get the whole thing filled out don’t worry.

How to avoid a hold up at this step: Don’t put off calling just because you haven’t made decisions about your plan.

2. The initial meeting. This is where we talk about your family, your goals, your current plan, and yes, your budget, so that we can come up with the best plan for you and your family.  We’ll go over things like what assets you own, how they are held,  who you want to inherit them. We’ll also talk about the people you want making health care decisions for you and who you want to name as guardian of your minor children.

It’s ok if you haven’t finalized these things before the meeting. Talking about the various roles and what’s involved can help you narrow down your list.

How to avoid a hold up at this step:  Don’t postpone the meeting because you haven’t filled out the entire intake form.  Do talk to your spouse or family so that you can make some preliminary decisions before the meeting.

3. You Decide. After the initial meeting, I generally send out a letter that lays out what we talked about, the preliminary plan, and any decisions that still need to be made.  I also let you know what the final fee is (which we would have talked about at the meeting, also.)  At this point, you can make changes to the plan and send in the signed agreement, along with part of the fee.

How to avoid a hold up at this step: Call the office if you have questions about the letter, and send it back in a timely fashion.

4. Review of Drafts. I will generally send out drafts to my clients so they can make sure the appropriate people are named as their agents, and that the distributions in their Wills and Trusts are the way the want them.  Changes can be made at this point if necessary.

How to avoid a hold up at this step: Open the envelope and review the drafts. Call the office if you have questions and don’t get bogged down by the “legalese.” I go over the documents in details before you sign them.

5.  The Signing Meeting. At the signing meeting, you’ll review the documents one more time, I’ll go over in detail the legal terminology and answer any questions you have.  Once everything has been reviewed, I call in the witnesses.  They are there to make sure that you are signing without any undue influence, and that you are over 18 and of sound mind.  They will watch you sign the documents, and then they sign the documents.

Then, I give you your original documents and a set of copies and I keep a set of copies. The remainder of the fee is payable at that point.

The whole process from start to finish can be a couple of days (for someone with an urgent health situation who can’t wait), a couple of weeks (for someone who is traveling soon and has no plan in place) or a couple of months (for someone with more complex decisions to make, or advisors to consult.)  Usually, it’s about 4 – 8 weeks total, after the first appointment.

As you can see, the process isn’t that scary, and there’s a lot about it that you control, including picking up the phone and making the first phone call.

Then my attorney hat went on and I wondered, “how many of these parents have taken the legal steps to name guardians for their children to make sure that their children would never be in the care of someone who is not on their safe list?”  I’m going to guess that the majority had not. I’m going to guess that the majority have not even discussed their safe list with anyone beyond their spouse.  This means that if something were to happen to both parents, there would be no one around to say “this is where they wanted the kids to go if something happened. Here are the guardianship nomination papers. This is under control.”

Do you have a “safe list” in your head – who is safe enough to watch your children, drive your children, have sleepovers with your children?

If you have a safe list, have you taken the legal steps necessary to make sure that only people on your safe list would be legally responsible for your children if something were to happen to you? Have you signed an Emergency Guardianship Proxy? Have you signed a Will nominating guardians? Have you told the people you nominated that you have given them this responsibility? Have you left that information for your babysitter in case you don’t make it home?

Without these protections in place, the Court will have no guidance if they need to appointment guardians for your children. They may even appoint someone who does not meet your criteria as an appropriate guardian, because they appear to be suitable and they stepped forward. Or the court may appoint a family member, because they are family, who does not know your children as well as a friend and whom you would never have selected.

But if you don’t turn your safe list into a legal document, it isn’t going to do anyone any good when it is most needed – when you aren’t there to talk about it.

If you are ready to put a plan in place, click here to think about what options might work for you.

(This post was originally written in November of 2010. The original blog post about the “safe list” was on Damomma.com, but has been archived and is no longer available.)

One of the things to keep in mind is that your estate plan can be designed the way you want it to be. There is no “normal” way to do things that you have to follow. You can tailor your plan to meet the needs of your family, whatever the branches on the tree look like.  What follows are some of the things I’ve seen come up frequently.  You can discuss these as a family, and then bring any outstanding issues to the meeting with your attorney.

• If the children’s ages vary by 5, 10 or more years, consider that the younger child may need a larger inheritance left to them if the parents pass away while they are still young, since they will not have had the benefit of being supported by their parents during their growing years.
• Do any of the children have special needs that must be taken into account?
• Do you want different people serving as trustee for minor children who have different sets of parents?
• What other inheritances might the children be expecting from another branch of the family?
• Who do you want to serve as guardian of the minor children? Do different children need different guardians named?
• If there are different guardians being named for the minor children, have your wishes been laid out about keeping the siblings in touch with each other? Do additional funds need to be set aside to provide for the siblings to visit one another?
• Do funds need to be preserved for eventual inheritance by the children if a biological parent passes away first and a step-parent is inheriting most of the property?

If you don’t have certain answers to these questions, or if you’ve never even thought of these issues, or the thought of having this conversation with your spouse makes you really uncomfortable, don’t let that stop you from planning. Your attorney can walk you through the different scenarios and help you make the right choices for your family.  Your attorney can also walk you through what  would occur if one or both parents passed away, and what that would look like in terms of inheritances for the different children.  And the attorney can let you know what would occur if you don’t put a plan in place at this time.

The main thing is to have a plan in place that you construct, not to leave it up to the Courts and your families to attempt to cobble together in an emergency.  The peace of mind that comes with planning is worth the time it takes and possible discomfort that can come with talking about these things.

I assure them that they and their families are not the only ones going through this, and then we dive in an try to tackle the issue or get them to the resources they need.

If you are the child of an aging parent going through any of these situations or feelings, you can know that you are not alone:

• You are the only sibling bearing the burden of caring for aging parents while the other siblings do little or nothing (except maybe call and criticize your decisions),
• You are the far-away sibling who feels left out of the care-taking of an aging parent and have concerns about the care-giving sibling,
• You are upset because your parents didn’t name you first in their health care proxy, durable power of attorney or other documents,
• You are upset because your parents named you first on all their estate documents,
• You are upset because your parents gave one of your siblings money throughout their life and didn’t “even it out” in the Will,
• You are upset because your parents helped you financially throughout their life and then “evened it out” in the Will,
• You think that your parents’ house should be neater, bigger, smaller, closer to you, farther away from you, or other than is,
• You feel like you are having the same issues with your siblings you were having when you were 5 years old.

Likewise if you are the aging parent of grown children you maybe see some of your situation here:

• You feel like your children are trying to move you here or there in order to make their life easier,
• Your children appear at your door to “clean” your house and throw away your things without asking your permission,
• Your children seem to have forgotten that you are a capable adult, and still the parent,
• Your children aren’t getting along and it’s breaking your heart,
• You don’t trust your children enough to appoint them in your documents to help you,
• You helped one child financially through out their life and want to “even it out” in the Will but are worried you’ll hurt them,
• You helped one child financially through out their life and don’t want to “even it out” in the Will, but are afraid your other children will be angry,
• You feeling guilty trying to decide which child to name first as your health care proxy, executor or agent in your power of attorney,
• You feel like you are having the same issues with your children you had when they were 5 years old.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly hard time with things, I think “people had these same feelings and emotions and situations 300 years ago, and somehow humanity has survived.”  Whatever it is you feel as your or your parents age, know that you are not alone.

But if you read the paper, or watch the news or live in the world you know that bad things don’t just happen to “old people.” Accidents and illnesses can happen at any age.

And that is why I, too, have signed my health care proxy, written down my wishes for end of life care, signed a durable power of attorney so someone can handle my finances if I can’t and filled out a What If Workbook with the vital information my family would need if I was unable to manage things.  It’s also why I review these documents before I travel, remind people of where to find them and update them as needed.

The following are some of the other reasons I have heard from people who are wondering whether they need to put their plan in place:

• I’m too young,
• I’m not old enough (this only applies if you are under 18),
• I’m single,
• I’m married,
• I don’t have any children,
• I don’t own real estate,
• I don’t own anything,
• I can’t decide who to appoint,
• My kids will take care of things,
• My parents will take care of things,
• My spouse will take care of things.

As you may guess, none of them are good reasons.

If you are interested in learning more about putting your plan in place, come to the What If Workbook workshop that is being held on Sunday September 18, 2011 from 2-4 p.m. at the United Church of Christ in Norwell, at 460 Main St.  Sign up by calling my office at 781-749-2284, or go to this page to register: http://www.whatifworkbook.com/# The fee is $25 per person, or $40 per couple. You’ll get a What If Workbook to begin completing at the workshop, and I’ll be there to answer questions about wills, health care decision making, financial decision making, trusts, and related issues.

Often, clients put off calling an attorney to help them with their legal issues.  These are some of the common things I hear form folks, and some ways to maybe get you past them.

1. You don’t know what to say when you call the lawyer. It’s a bit like calling a plumber. “My sink won’t drain.” Then the plumber asks you some questions and probably makes an appointment to help you fix it.  When you call the lawyer you can say “I think I need a Will” then the lawyer will ask you some questions and guide the process from there.

If you don’t even know what you need, then it can be like when I call tech support. “My computer is being all weird. Help!”  Then the tech asks some questions and helps figure out what is wrong and how they can fix it.  Likewise, you can call the attorney and say “my mom was just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I have no idea what to do next.”  The attorney, or their client services person, will ask you some questions and help figure out the best thing to do next.

And just like when I call tech support, it’s ok if you cry when you call an attorney.

2. You are afraid you can’t afford it. That’s a legitimate concern. Legal services can be expensive. Some types of cases like divorces or other litigation cases can cost tens of thousands of dollars. But, other things, like putting a guardianship nomination in place for your children or drafting a Will can be a much more manageable expense.

An attorney may be able to give you a range of fees, and what those fees are based on. I try to do that on the “Fees” page of this site.  But, you won’t know if you don’t ask.  The attorney will probably need to meet with you and go over your situation in detail before they can give you a better idea of the cost. Sometimes there may be different courses of action that will affect the cost, so you should ask about options.

3. You haven’t made all of your decisions yet. This is perfectly ok. Part of the first meeting with an attorney is going over different choices and decisions and helping you through those.  Sometimes even if you have made decisions, you find out after talking to your attorney that a different decision would be a better one. So, just as it’s ok to walk into the hairdresser knowing you want something different but knowing quite what, it’s ok to meet with your attorney while you are still trying to decide which sibling to name as guardian or how to distribute property to different charities.

4.  You haven’t made any decisions yet. This is ok, too. I often meet with people who don’t know enough about what the responsibilities of a guardian, or a trustee, or an executor are to be able to figure out who they want to appoint in those roles.  Or you and your spouse can’t agree on things. Part of a consultation with an attorney is helping you walk through choices, explaining legal terms in ways you can understand and making sure you are comfortable with your choices before more forward.

5. You think there is no point to planning. I hear this frequently from young people who don’t own a lot of property or don’t have children. They think the only part of “planning your estate” is saying what will happen to your stuff after you die, and they have no stuff so there’s no need to plan. That may be true (and actually the Commonwealth has a law that says what happens to your stuff if you die without a will) but sometimes young people are in accidents that make them unable to make health care decisions for themselves or handle their finances. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to have a plan in place to say who would make health care decisions for you and make sure your mortgage or rent payments (and student loan and credit card bills) were paid on time until you recovered?

6. You are afraid of what will happen if you take the first step. Sometimes clients come to see me and have put it off because they were afraid that meeting with me would put into a place a spiral of events that they couldn’t stop. This actually isn’t the case.  If we meet, and I give you legal advice on your situation and maybe offer some advice and different options, you can decide not to proceed at this time. You can decide that just knowing what will happen if your spouse needs nursing home care is enough for you to handle at this point, and if you aren’t ready to start making changes. That’s ok.  You are now making this decision with knowledge, rather than out of fear or ignorance.  The same goes for other types of legal matters – you can meet with a divorce attorney to find out your options, and then decide that you don’t want to start the process after all.  Or you may meet with an attorney about suing someone and decide afterward that you really don’t want to.  And it’s ok to say “I’m not ready to proceed with this now.”

Are there other things that are holding you back? Have you heard other examples from clients about what made them hesitate to call you?

1.         Talk to your attorney about the issues.  If you’re having difficulty getting phone calls returned from your attorney or are starting to have other problems with the representation, talk to your attorney about it first.  You can either write them a letter with your issues or schedule a meeting or a telephone call with them to go over the problems that you’re having.  If you’re still having issues after you talk to them about it, it may be time to find a new attorney.

2.         Review the agreement that you signed with your attorney in the beginning of the representation.  Depending on the type of work they’re doing for you, you may be entitled to a refund of fees that you have paid towards a retainer.  You may owe them money for work that they have done up to this point that you haven’t paid them for yet.  In certain circumstances, such as a contingency fee agreement where there will be a settlement coming after an accident, you may owe them money at the termination of your legal case even if they are still not representing you.

3.         Always send the request to terminate the relationship in writing.  You do not need to go into great detail but you should let them know clearly that you would like to terminate the relationship and that you would like a copy of your file and any original documents they may be holding for you. .

4.         Get the file back from your former attorney.  There may be a delay in this if your attorney has filed an appearance in court for something such as a divorce or a probate matter as they will need to get the court’s permission before they can relieved as your attorney.  In general, if you have requested in writing that they terminate the relationship, there should not be an undue delay in the judge granting the request.

5.         If you are terminating the relationship but still wish to pursue your legal issue, be honest with your next attorney about what didn’t work.  Attorneys are often very hesitant to work with a client who is on their second or third attorney.  If it was a difference in communication, that the former attorney’s workload was too high for them to give you the attention that they needed or if you simply had a difference in strategy with your attorney, talk to your new attorney about that.

Clients will sometimes appoint their attorney as their executor, agent under a power of attorney as their health care proxy. If you are ending your relationship with your attorney, be sure to have these documents redone to appointment new agents, and let your former attorney know that you have drafted new documents naming other people.

1. Keep your attorney in the loop. In the midst of doing your estate plan and you just inherited a condo in Key Largo from your great aunt? Let your attorney know.  You did your estate plan a few years ago and you are moving now? Send your attorney a change-of-address card/email/letter.  Have you changed your mind about how you want your property distributed? It’s not enough to just make a note on your Will, you’ve got to let your attorney know so they can make the changes legal.

2. Let your attorney know how best to reach you. I have some clients who travel for work, or live in different time zones so they prefer to communicate by email.  I have others who don’t want me to use their home address so they give me a business address or P.O. box to use.  And others who give me their cell phone number since that is where they are most reachable.  Whatever your preferred method of communication, let your attorney know.  And find out from them what their preferred (0r required) methods are. Sometimes they can’t email you certain information, or have to send you things in writing rather than just by telephone.

3. Find an attorney you trust and like. You and your attorney are on the same team. You need to trust her. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing information about your assets or life circumstances with your attorney, consider whether you should be working with her.  Especially if you are working with an attorney on an ongoing basis, you should trust this person enough to give them all the information they need to represent you, and you should like them enough so that you don’t start avoiding their telephone calls and meetings.

4. Be organized. Usually if you are meeting with an attorney, it’s due to something stressful in your life – a death, divorce, financial issue or a very large purchase like a house or a business.  It can be tempting to just grab your paperwork and hand it to the attorney or his assistant to sort through. However, the more organized and complete the paperwork is, the easier it is for the attorney to begin to analyze it, which may also end up saving you money if the attorney isn’t spending a lot of time sorting through things.

5. Seek non-legal support from non-legal sources. A lot of legal situations also call for support from non-legal professionals.  Be open to seeking help from therapists, home care providers, financial advisers, care-giver support groups and other allied professionals as needed.  Your attorney is an important member of your team, but they are probably not the only thing.  Ask your attorney for recommendations if you don’t know where to start.