How Do I Convince My Parents to Do Their Wills?

This is a very common question that I get from adult children calling my office, friends asking about their parents or that I sometimes ask myself.

While we know that we mean well when we want to make sure our parents have their estate plan in place, I think that what our parents hear is “Hey, you are going to die soon and I want to make sure I get some stuff. So, can you go spend money on a lawyer to make my life easier?”  Just as when we were young and our parents didn’t want us to drive late at night or take us to the mall we heard “I am trying to make your life miserable and insure that you are the least popular person is school with the most unfashionable clothes.”

There are a few ways to bring up the issue of your parents estate plan.

1. Don’t Make It About Stuff. Yes, we are all going to die and someone is going to have to figure out what to do with our stuff. However, talking about planning for incapacity can be a better way to approach the conversation. Bringing up the topic by talking about a relative with health issues, or a newspaper article about someone who didn’t have a plan in place for disability and how that affected them and their families can be a good introduction to asking your parents about whether they have health care proxies and powers of attorney in place so someone can help out if they need it.

You might not even have to mention the Will. If you can get your parents to make an appointment with an attorney so they can do their health care proxies and powers of attorney, the lawyer will talk to them about their Will and other estate planning documents.  And having this topic brought up by the professional rather than their children can make them much more open to talking about it.

2. Get Your Papers In Order. If you are going to bring up your parents estate plan, you’d better be sure to have your own affairs in order (or at least have an appointment scheduled with your attorney.)  This can also help allay some of the fears they might have about the process.  You can talk to them about what it was like for you, and how you felt having to consider what would happen to you and your family in the event of your disability or death.

3. Offer Assistance. Your parents may have been putting the process off because they simply don’t know where to start.  If they are open to it, you could get some recommendations for attorneys, call some of them to get a feel for their style and availability and even offer to drive your parents to the appointment if they are uncomfortable driving.  Just bring a book, since you will be sitting in the waiting room. And keep in mind that even if you are paying for the attorney, this does not override the attorney/client confidentiality.

4. Bring It Up Early and Often. These things don’t have to be a one time, big deal conversation, especially since those can be intimidating.  You can mention over lunch one day that you feel so much better having put your estate plan into place. Then you could forward a news article about the topic to your parents. You could mention how difficult things were for your in-laws when their parents passed away because they didnt’ have an updated Will and the family was fighting over things.  You don’t want to be a broken record, but there are plenty of times to casually bring up the issue. When they are ready, they will let you know.

5. Involve One of Their Peers. It may be that your parents are simply uncomfortable talking about these issues with their children. They may have certain ideas about the parent/child role and not want it subverted.  In this case, you could always ask an aunt or uncle to bring it up, or maybe one of their close friends. Again, stress that you want to make sure they have a plan in place for who should take care of health care decisions and paying their bills in the event they are unable.

6. Find Out About The Alternatives. It may be that your parents simply choose not to put a plan in place. And that is their right. However, you can still visit an attorney to find out what the ramifications are to this.  The attorney can explain the guardianship process that would need to be pursued so that someone could make medical decisions, the conservatorship process to allow someone to handle their finances and property if they become unable, how property is distributed if someone dies without a Will, the people generally appointed by the Court to fulfill these roles and the costs.  You can share this information with your parents if you like, so they at least understand the consequences of choosing not to act, and you’ll be as prepared as you can be.

You can also give your parents this article I wrote called “So, Your Kids Want You To See An Elder Law Attorney.”