Siblings and Caregiving - Making it Work
We are lucky to have another guest post by Barbara Friesner of AgeWise Living, a generational coach who works with families around issues of aging, care-giving and helping siblings maintain or improve their relationships while one or more of them is caring for an aging parent. Barbara has generously offered my readers a 10% discount on any of her products for care-givers. Call her at 877- AGEWISE (243-9473) to receive the discount.
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Eldercare is hard enough without adding sibling issues to the mixbut too often they’re very hard to avoid when you’re talking about Momand Dad.
As a Generational Coach, about half the time I work withjust one adult child. Sometimes, however, that one person has siblingsthat either are not helping or are actually sabotaging their efforts.
Forexample, the caregiver lives near Mom and is doing all the work. They’ve been doing the day-to-day care-giving, getting groceries,cleaning the house, doing chores, and running errands and it’s gettingto be too much for them because Mom needs more care than they canprovide. So s/he is working hard to get Mom to move into an assistedliving community – and making some progress!! And then a siblingcalls Mom from across the country and tells her “No – it’s ok, youdon’t have to move!!”
Sometimes a sibling will do that becausethey honestly don’t know how bad it’s gotten with Mom. Other timesthey do that because they know Mom doesn’t want to move and they wantto be the ‘favorite’ child – so they tell Mom what she wants to hear!
Sometimesit is a sincere difference of opinion on what was best for their agingloved one. For example, a 90-year old mother eats a lot of sweets andone daughter thinks she shouldn’t eat any sweets because they’re notgood for her. The other daughter says that Mom doesn’t have a healthissue – she just likes sweets and if she wants to eat sweets – lether!
Sometimes it’s real controversy – for example, onesibling wanting to do what’s best for their parent regardless of thecost while the other sibling wants to spend as little as possible sothere will be more money for their inheritance.
Some children say it would be better to be an only child, but beingan only child – or the only caregiver – can also be overwhelming,frightening, draining and very lonely.
As hard as it may be to believe, getting help from sibs can make it easier. Siblings allow shared decision making. Ideally they will share responsibility. Your parent may takeinformation/suggestions from a sibling better than they will from you. In fact, even those who seem “practical” or even indifferent may seethings less emotionally than the stressed-out caregiver or moreemotional siblings. And a sister/brother has been there – they knowall the players from the inside – so they bring a perspective not evenyour closest friends can bring.
But perhaps the most important reason to work with your siblings isthe relationship you will after your parents are gone. Right now maythink you wouldn’t care if you ever talk with them again but handlingit in a positive way now allows you to leave the door open for futurerelationships – perhaps an even stronger one!
So what do you do?
Best way toget it to work is to get above the emotion – make it more formal andbusiness like. And the easiest way to that is to call all the siblingstogether for a care planning meeting so that all the issues can bediscussed in an orderly, unemotional way. (Ideally everyone will cometogether in 1 place. If that’s not possible, then people who cannotattend in person can participate by phone and there are a lot of freeconference services that make that very easy.) At the meeting, yourprimary objective is to create a Care Plan so everyone knows what needsto be done and who will be doing it.
Who should be involved in the care planning meetings?
Ideallyyou want all the siblings and those involved in your parent’s care. Should you invite sibling’s spouses or children? Maybe – if they aredirectly involved but you want the meeting manageable – especially atthe first meeting so choose wisely.
Should your parent(s) be there? Possibly at future meetings but I don’t recommend it for the first meeting.
Atthe start of the first meeting I strongly recommend setting some groundrules. For example, how everyone will treat each other (as in . . . noone will make alliances or vote anyone off the island!) and what to doI case of conflict.
Once you’ve established the ground rules, move on to creating a care plan for current and future issues.
What is a care plan?
Careplans help us get above the emotion so we can focus on the practicaland make decisions good decisions so that rather than reacting – youcan be pro-active. A good care plan is active and fluid and takes intoconsideration changing needs and opportunities as they arise. It alsoneeds to be flexible because eldercare is often unpredictable (there isoften a crisis so you can’t prepare for every contingency); it’sintermittent so you can’t always set a schedule; and caregivers oftenhave limited time to resolve the crisis. And if there’s dementia,dementia is progressive so you don’t always know how it will manifestitself.
In addition, every care plan of every family is uniquebecause they are created to support the needs of the individuality andpersonality of the family that creates it. Therefore, a care plandepends on where you, family/friends/other caregivers and your aging loved one arein the process and how much needs to be done. But what is true of allcare plans is they:
1) List the needs – both the short- and the long-term
2) Determine how and by whom those needs will be met
Whoever hascalled the meeting (usually the person doing all the work!!!) shouldstart by presenting the situation clearly and unemotionally. (Forexample: “Here’s the problem. I can no longer do it all.”) and thenidentifying and clarifying current needs and anticipated long-termneeds. In other words – plan for the long-term and detail for theshort-term.
Start with the most urgent problem. Just bear inmind – and be prepared for – a wide range of opinions on this. (Ifyou’re the one doing all the work – it’s more urgent to you than to asib that does little or nothing)
However, remember that,regardless of what others say, don’t start arguing or gettingdefensive. If one of your sibs says that Mom wants to live at home,you might say something like:
“Yes, she does and I would love for her to be able to do that. However, that would require making sure she has constant care. Up tonow I’ve been the one providing that care. Unfortunately it’s gottento be too much for me so we need to take a look at what our options arenow. Let’s start by looking at what it will take to keep her at home,what her needs will be down the road, and how much that will cost.
Once you all agree on what needs to be done, determine how and by whom those needs will be met.
Beprepared to “negotiate” alternatives (for example, financial support inlieu of time) and allow for flexibility. However, just because theycan’t do – doesn’t mean you have to. If they can’t do it, ask them tosuggest someone who can (not you).
However, responsibilities arenot set in stone. In other words, the responsibilities set up in acare plan reflect only the situation as it is now. Make sure it isunderstood that solutions agreed to now may have to change later as thesituation changes.
With every task, be sure to have a due date – especially if one person’s task depends on another person completing theirs.
And finally, agree to meet at least every few months you all have a care meeting to reassess your parents' situation.
Iknow this is such a difficult and emotional time for everyone and oftenthe tendency is to put off talking about eldercare in the hope that itwill magically go away. Unfortunately, hope is not a strategy andignoring it pretty much never makes it go away. The best way to makeit easier and the sibling relationship better is to start early beforeeveryone – especially the caregiver – is all stressed out.
As youproceed, stay focused on your concern for your parents, yourrelationship with your siblings, and yourself! Be patient,persistent, and practical – and proceed with compassion.
Barbara E. Friesneris a Generational Coach. For alot more information about Sibling Relationships and Care Planning,check out The Ultimate Caregiver’s Survival Guide (and remember to call Barbara at her at 877- AGEWISE (243-9473) for a 10% discount) For more information, please check out herwebsite www.AgeWiseLiving.com.