When Siblings Won't Help With Elder Care

It's a common scenario for families with aging parents who need care - one or two siblings take on the bulk of the work, whether due to proximity, scheduling, expertise or just a sense of duty. And then there are the siblings who, for whatever reason, don't help as much or at all. 

This can lead to a lot of resentment and even arguments.  In the book How To Care For Aging Parents, a book I often recommend to clients, the authors recommend having a family meeting to try to sort through some of the issues.  You may even wish to involve a mediator who is trained in working with families.

At a certain point, however, it may just be that you need to realize that your siblings aren't going to help out no matter how much you think they should. It is fair? No. It is life? Yes.

If you find that you are doing the bulk of care for your parents, make sure that they have signed health care proxies and durable powers of attorney appointing you as their agent.  These documents give you the legal authority to act on their behalf.  This is very important because if they become unable to care for themselves and these documents are not in place, it may become necessary to appoint a guardian or conservator.  A guardian or conservator is appointed by the Court, rather than chosen by your parents. 

If you do assist your parents in finding an attorney to draw up their planning documents, keep in mind that a good attorney will speak to your parents privately to ascertain their wishes.  While the attorney will explain your duties and obligations under the documents, her clients are the parents, not the children or the family as a whole.  This protects your parents and makes sure that their wishes guide the process. 

For more information on making sibling relationships work for elder care, check out the podcasts at AgeWise Living.